Coming Out On The Other Side

Poet: Rune Lazuli

With my header reading ‘It’s ALL About Me‘, some may feel that I’m self-indulged, wrapped up in myself and selfish. On reading this, I’ve even felt that way about myself, but it couldn’t be further from the truth! In the past I’ve always been one to try and push the attention away, if it was on me. The aim was to make the focus into a joke or struggle to be boisterous if it weren’t possible to throw the ball on. Anyone reading this, who knows me personally, may think to themselves ‘Errrrrrrmmm, what the hell is she on about! (side-eye glance)’, but that is how I would feel. I didn’t feel that my actions were me being me. It was forced. The only time I didn’t mind was when I was speaking to the Church, administering The Word, because then it was ALL About Him! Preposterously, I even thought I wasn’t worthy of God’s love and attention, but that is all changing! Today, I thank God for His undying grace, love, attention and everything else, that I have now realised.

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him

1 John 3:1 (New International Version)

Now, I have been a Christian for many years, but still didn’t understand the meaning of His undying grace and love. It is by the help of my mentor, sent by God, that I have come to the realisation. It’s funny how we met, because I used to date her brother. When our relationship had ended, we remained friends and I began attending the Church where his mother was the Pastor. (Surprisingly, I had no idea she was a Pastor, whilst we were dating!) I was baptised, became a member of the Praise and Worship Team, created and became the editor of the church newsletter (Divine Inspiration) and my mentor wasn’t yet baptised. Fast forward many years later, it is amazing to see her zeal and commitment to life and The LORD. I’m not saying that she didn’t have a belief before but I am sure she will agree that her relationship with Him wasn’t as it is now. She has set me tasks for (spiritual) growth, by what she has and hasn’t said, and how she lives her life. She is a fine example of how to make the most out of every second, minute and day. I am far off that stage, but in time will get there! That should be a lesson to us all, that when we think noone is watching, firstly The LORD sees all and then so do those around you. If they’re not seeing it, someone else just might tell them!

I mentioned in previous posts, a bit about my past. For a long time I’ve been deliberating about whether or not I should make it known and thought to myself, why not? The things that had happened to me, and made me as I am, made me ashamed. I should have no shame but those who have done me wrong should. NOT the other way around. Many that read this will not realise these things have happened, but I am going through a healing process. To heal I need to acknowledge events, allow myself to breathe in and then let it go. I’ll say it again (paraphrased), I don’t feel there is any need for me to feel shame because I wasn’t the one in the wrong. If ever the persons that did me wrong come across this or anyone that is guilty of doing this to others, my hope is that they feel shame and ask The LORD for forgiveness. If anyone reading this, or any of my other posts, can relate: I pray that they may be inspired to also heal, to seek help or to think of things differently and consider taking a step in the opposite direction to where they are now.

I am in the process of writing a book. This will allow me to fully rip the plaster off without caring about the pain. Right now I am inhibited, but it will be so freeing to do it without having to wonder what people I know are thinking. It is my right.

Abuse – (Emotional/Verbal)/Mental, Physical and Sexual

This can arise in many forms. In some cases the abuser may not be aware they are doing it but, nonetheless, it is what it is. On occasion the abuser knows exactly what they are doing and revel in the fact. Without going into too fine a detail, all of the above occurred to me, and has shaped me into the person I am today. Any form of abuse affects every aspect of the abusee’s life.

Questions arise for every thought, words spoken and feelings felt, by themselves and those they come across.

The very first instance of sexual abuse occurred at a young age and whether or not the person was young themselves, it was wrong…I should feel no shame or be able to brush it off. It is also for me to speak to the person about it if and/or when, I feel the time is right. I say ‘if’ because I’ve held it in for so many years, never discussing it but always thinking about it. I was then sexually abused by two other people; in my teen years then as an adult. Added to the (emotional)/mental and physical abuse, I oftentimes wondered what my life would be like if I didn’t always have that on my mind. Abuse really knocks you!  Would I have followed a completely different path? Why did it happen to me? Am I a magnet for this? Who knows? What I do know is that it does noone any good to keep living in the past! If it does cross your mind, it must be in celebration of where life currently is or has taken you. There are many organisations out there that offer counselling services. I would say that as soon as you feel the need to deal with it, grab that chance. At various times I have had counselling, and the counsellor was just used as a sounding-board. I didn’t need to be advised how to heal. I didn’t need to be told how bad it was that things had happened. I just needed to be heard….

By doing this blog there are many people from different parts of the globe that will have access to this, so it’s hard to give specific details. However, thankfully, the World Wide Web is there for us all. Wherever you are situated, it will be possible to locate the nearest service to you. I’ve always given others the visual of not allowing yourself to be on your deathbed and acknowledging how life could have been. I could have enjoyed life. I could have enjoyed going out to work each day, earning money to buy those new shoes. I could have enjoyed socialising more often…what held me back? Too often life can throw things in the way that you are not able to shift! So shift what you can, as far as you can, and move around it. As time goes on, you will find that you are happy that you took the first step and even happier to take further steps. Do not beat yourself up about times you fall back, because if they occur, they are all a part of the process. Let NO ONE or NO THING be a stumbling block! I have succumbed to the fact that it is because of what I went through that I can be caring, compassionate and understanding. The things we went through yesterday can shape us into who we are today. Before writing this blog I felt as though I was just being repetitive but I have received so much confirmation, from different sources, which let me know that I have a voice that needs to be heard. If in my time of writing, just one person can receive comfort, then will all have been worth it? No, it will take more than one. I believe in the ripple effect. Each one teach one. Many can be healed. As Christians we live (or should live) our lives in the hope that someone can receive something positive from knowing us. Firstly, they should (hopefully) come to know The LORD and then we should be able to leave something in the world that shows we have been there. Even if the epitaph on my gravestone was ‘Marcia Blair woz Ere’ and people are able to have fond memories of me, remember me with a smile, then my life would have been worthwhile!

I can now bloom from my heart with joy. Where I felt pain it is now beautiful, with a scar showing how I once was. So, because of my story, what I’ve been through and where I am going to, I can remain Unapologetically Marcia and the blog can be All About Me x

Poet: Rune Lazuli

No matter your age you can be abused. Unfortunately, there is also no limit to the amount of people or the type of relationship; can be by a carer, friend, parent, lover/partner or within a workplace by colleagues/Managers. Below are a few links to organisations providing assistance.

Identifying abuse and getting help

Link to assistance on abuse of young minds – includes further information on how to identify abuse and how to get help

Signs of emotional abuse

More signs of emotional abuse

Link to assistance with emotional abuse – information on how to get help

Published by Unapologetically Marcia


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